10 Weeks left.. ONLY!

I am totally surprised with how FAST this is going by!!! I just looked back at one of my other blog posts.. it was 143 Days Out.. now we are at a measly 71!!! In the words of a minion “Whaaaaaaaaaa????” (Despicable Me reference.. hands down one of my favorite kids’ movies)

Thursday was assessment day with Caitlyn… or what I commonly like to refer to as.. “Dreary, Worse than Doomsday & Labour Pains Combined Depressing Day.”
THIS is how I (usually) look/feel on the inside, on said day…

Can you tell I had an “off” weekend at the Fair?
If you read my previous post, where I referred to my food baby and running intervals on the treadmill… this was the cause for that “6 months along” situation.

This was pretty much me on Sunday.. but replace that healthy and nutritious strawberry with Fair food… mini donuts, burger n fries, ice cream, pie, the works.. Yes, I’m only human dammit!

In case anyone doesn’t know how this prep business works.. every 2 weeks I have to send photos to Caitlyn of me in a bikini in a “relaxed” (READ: UNflattering) pose front, back and both sides. Along with my updated measurements and weight that read to her like a full body scan (you know the ones at the airport where “the guy upstairs” gets to see you nude and wrapped in bronze? Yes, I imagine something similar to this happens on her end of things.) Now, if you’re like me and are incapable of self control the night before, this scale number will not reflect how hard you’ve actually been busting your ass for the last two weeks and she sees this and thinks “lazy shit, I’ll show her” and throws in some extra cardio **Update: she sent me my adjustments for being naughty.. I guessed correctly, a little more cardio** or steals your oatmeal from your breakfast… wah, this happened 2 weeks ago.

Is anyone wondering how I get similar photos every 2 weeks with a cell phone and no timer on it?? (No, I don’t get my hubby to take them, he leaves for work at 3am so he’s never around for picture time)
I’ll let you in on a secret, you just get yourself one of these nifty creatures…

Yep! Any handy dandy 4 year old will do, as long as they can get the ‘whole you’ in the photo you can always crop out other crap they may have caught.. dust bunnies, piles of unfolded laundry, rogue dryer sheets, etc) sometimes this can take up to 5 tries because I’ll be missing feet, my head or he will take it from an obscure angle where I look like the leaning tower of Pisa. Or in the instance where I tried to practice some posing and he kept snapping photos before I was ready (Shush! It’s hard to remember how to flex, turn, twist, balance and not make a constipated/puzzled face)

I’ve made a little collage of my front and back poses but am without make up, have bed head and am not wearing my competition suit since I don’t have it yet buuuuuuut I could probably be convinced to post it further down the road when it can be used as a “before” photo. If enough people comment and say that they DO want to see it then I’ll make sure to include it in the next week or so.
If anyone has any topics that they want to hear or see more of, let me know…. otherwise you’re getting a whole lot more of whatever the hell pops into my head that day!

I saw this when I was waffling with committing to doing a competition and it really made my decision clear.

CBBF Nationals thru the eyes of a spectator

A couple weekends ago I had the privilege of joining Blue Star Nutraceuticals sponsored National level bikini competitor Shayleen Clausen, aptly nicknamed ‘Tink’, at the CBBF (Canadian Bodybuilding Federation) Nationals.

Shay competed in the Bikini A (short people) division and made Top 5!!!!
This was what Shay sent me Friday AM. Ummm YEAH! She’s ready!

NOTE: As my kids are getting older (not me, I’m ageless) I’m realizing the importance of photographing key points during your day/week/year. This enables you to do 2 things 1. share your experiences with those who weren’t there and 2. remind you what you’ve been spending your days (and eventually LIFE) doing. Don’t laugh!!! Sometimes Tim comes home and asks, “So, what’d you guys do today?” and I’m just stunned like “Oh shit. You’re home already? Where’d the hours go??? What the hell HAVE we done today??? That kids are alive… I guess I did that…?”
I could ramble for a couple paragraphs about how forgetful I am and that my memory often resembles more of a sieve than a 2 hemisphere memory bank.

So, without further ado, here’s some photos from my whirlwind trip to Vancouver.

Tim and I are OFF!! On route to Smithers airport with Storm in the back (he’s off to try and make baby Storms with a bitch named Spice lol)

Waiting at the airport… this is only MY luggage. Yeah.. if you know me, you know I over pack for UUUURVRYTHANG! There’s enough clothes here to do 2 weeks in Mexico. I was in Van for 48 hours. Tim on the other hand? He packed a small duffle bag, the size of a gym bag.
While we waited I got a chance to paint my nails with my fun new pastel pink nail polish! (The week we got back, I’m gone to an appointment for an hour and Tim is watching the kids. Claire got ahold of said new polish and proceeds to get it in her hair and then her eye at which point she is blinded by the chemical concoction and flails!!! There was beautiful nail polish all over my black leather couch, Claire, Claire’s hair, Tim and his clothes, one of my favorite dish towels and the floor… so much for the post massage zen I was looking for!)

But back to our trip….

Lazy bones had to have a nappy poo on the way down. I was too excited to sleep!! I got to know Shay through our mutual coach, Caitlyn Bellamy and following each other on My Fitness Pal. We hadn’t met in person, so the thought that we’d be sharing a room for a couple nights after only having known each other in person for a couple hours was 1 part exciting 1 part nervous with a chance of amusing. What ended up happening is me walking into this…

I made it to our room while Shay was at the Athlete’s Meeting. This was the view. HOLY SHIT haha did a bomb go off in here??? Turns out, the head judge really cracked down on the bikini bottom coverage rule and there were a lot of competitors scrambling to get a suit that would be approved! Poor Shay was one of them, but in the end she settled on her hot pink suit she wore at Western Canadians in Kelowna where she took 2nd place. Regardless, I was there, waiting for her… and as I sat there looking around, wondering if we’d get along and hoping I didn’t get a bout of the nervous shits (no one wants to hear that through a paper machè thick wall no matter HOW well you know each other) I realized I felt a little bit like a prostitute. I mean, in what other situation would you go get a key from the front desk and wait in a hotel room for someone..? Thank god she turned out to be cool shit (and not an axe murderer)…. and for those wondering, my tummy remained calm too.
I glanced around and.. JACKPOT!

A not so hidden snack stash for post show treats!
This wasn’t nearly enough so we shopped the next day and added a bunch more to the pile. For example….

Holy crap. HEALHTY Reese style peanut butter cups!!!! I refrained from eating mine but when we hit Popeye’s across the street and discovered these between the prejudging and the evening show I could see this was going to be going down Shay’s hatch when we got home that night lol she was like a kid in a candy store seeing the wide variety of Quest bars in stock.
Back to friday night, Shay and the rest of the Fort St John crew showed up and it was time to get her last coats of spray tan. So we went over to a different room and I do have to say, I had a first. Never before that evening had I ever met someone for the first time and within 15 minutes they were buck ass naked, “smiling” with their ass right in front of me. *Before that day I had no idea what the spray tan lady would’ve wanted from me when I was getting sprayed and she told me to SMILE and I wasn’t even facing her. I am thankful that I’m now armed with that crucial piece of knowledge and won’t be the dumbass standing naked, facing away and grinning like a tool when it’s my turn in November*
I met 2 other girls this same way that night. It was a parade of strong, tanned, stiff limbed, naked chicks coming and going out of a hunting blind. This is all sounding somewhat fictional as I write it..
Once Shay was dry enough we headed back to the room and just lounged around and in an effort not to smudge, smear or tan inanimate objects Shay bundled up and slept at the foot of the bed in her, from home, fitted sheet.. it was mildly awkward since I slept the same direction but beside the pillows and covering the left half of my body with blankets since Shay was passed out on top of the covers.

Saturday Show Day Morning!!
Shay threw on her suit and sent a couple pics to Caitlyn. Here she is texting.. I have like 10 photos of her on one of her 2 phones (or even both sometimes).

She’s a busy lady with her personal cell and her business phone, which she had to answer during her makeup session with Beauty N Bronze. When we walked in I immediately sat down and started cuddling the ADORABLE french bulldog, Bruno (I think his name was) who belonged to the blonde lady who owns Beauty N Bronze. (You can see her below). He soon got bored with me and hid under a table. Boo. Apparently I’m a bad dog pet’er.

Here’s Shay leaving the Best Western in Coquitlam where she got her new face on.

From here we headed to the Massey Theater and they had sponsors advertisements and promotions on a big screen behind the competitors. I saw this and had to get a shot of it, it’ll be my FIRST show!!! 🙂

On the way to the evening show I tried to take a selfie in the back of the cab but the little man behind the wheel was practicing for his inevitable Nascar debut.. so I’m swaying and looking mildly stoned.

After this is where it all gets a little … blurry..
NOT. It was totally tame. We hit up the Catcus Club post show for Shay’s cheat meal…s… to quote William Shakespeare from A Midsummer Night’s Dream “Though she be but little, she is fierce!” The girl can pack away some grub! She started off the evening with 2 pornstar martinis, followed by chicken and cheese quesadillas with sweet potato fries and chipotle dip, interrupted only by another pornstar maritini, followed by a key lime pie and washed down with a final pornstar martini. Why do I know EXACTLY what someone else ate, 2 weeks ago? Because I was drooling over it the whole time!!!!!! I can’t really complain, my Szechuan Chicken Lettuce wraps were quite divine.
This is my hawt selfie the next morning in my lazy Pink hoodie… yeah.. I know…. I didn’t even brush my hair.. WHAT! Not only was it late to bed (2:30am) but we got up at 6AM AGAIN… and anyways, it’d have ruined the lazy bedhead look I was OBVI going for. Pfffff..
Plus my super incognito hood allowed me to creeper stalk Shay’s photoshoot with the hilarious Mark Bradfield who shoots for Training & Fitness. I am not going to lie. I am a huge fan for 3 reasons. Numero Uno (is a number capitalized in Spanish? Whatever, in Claudia Spanish it is) He is hilarious and somewhat of a metrosexual (please don’t take offense Mark, if on the off chance you ever Google yourself and find this…) and in northern BC and the small town of Houston, those are a rare breed so I quite enjoyed getting to spend a couple hours with him. Numero Deuce short, sweet and to the point.. he takes amazing photos!!!! Numero Trés he told me I looked like Olivia Wilde.. ummm HELLOOOOOO she’s a total girl crush of mine!!! (I just proofread this and this last sentence in this context sounds SO vain.. but it stays damn it. She is amazing! And for the record, I don’t think I look like her.. unless you can literally WANT something into happening… in which case, YAY! It’s working!) BUT in case you live even further north than me and don’t have access to the web and don’t know what this beautiful creature looks like.. I give you… the luminous Olivia Wilde. However, if you’re able to see this blog that is online.. then clearly you have internet. This is not a well thought out situation… Carrying on..

Getting the right angle for the shot, CHECK. Getting a random girl to hold your $16,000 camera, CHECK (that was me by the way hehe). Getting your shorts a little wet during a shoot? UNACCEPTABLE! Haha nice pastey white thighs Mr Bradfield (if you’re still reading..)

After a whirlwind of a weekend we both realized we didn’t even get a picture together!! So a low quality selfie on the skytrain back to YVR it is!!! There’s a lot of different skin and hair colors going on here!!! Perhaps another visit will lend itself to a little more foresight and a better pic together.

Well folks, that’s about it! Once we hit the airport we power walked to White Spot to grab some eats and meet up with Tim (my hubby) and his friend Jamie who were 2 sad hungover dogs (they were at a stag the night before). So I ate Tim’s lunch that he couldn’t stomach and had to ditch Shay to eat her food solo because true to form we were late and gonna miss our flight if we didn’t snap our sacks. What! Not only do I come from a family who is perpetually late but I married an indian and everyone knows they run on Indian Time. It’s a real thing. Look it up. Fine. I’ll link to a definition (ish.. kinda made up but could be real!) Here ya go!

10.. ish.. Important Contest Prep Planning Points

I never knew just how much actual preparation (and how many choices you are faced with) during contest prep! There’s all kinds of details that need working out, outside of doing your meal prep, sticking to your diet and doing your, oftentimes, crippling workouts.

For those of you who haven’t the foggiest on what it all entails.. Let me make a list for you, followed by many brackets, choices/explanations and random chatter)

1. You need to do the obvious, book your hotel (but be sure you are allowed to get your tan there as some competitions appoint an official tanner or hair and makeup team and only those people are allowed to apply the race altering tan at the host hotel) otherwise you must stay else where (or simply pretend you have a room there and do it in a bathroom stall at a random hotel…however, I’m seeing some minor difficulties if this route is taken)

2. Book your flights, especially for those of us who live in the boonies and have kids at home, this is a must as spending 2-4 extra days travelling and away from the kids becomes a pain in the ass and in the end the costs associated with travelling 12+ hours by car end up about the same as if you had just saved the time and flew with an airline. I mean, my co-pilot would need snacks, Timmy’s stops, pee breaks, beer stops, more pee breaks, first breakfast, second breakfast, lunch appy’s, lunch, snacks, more beer, pre eats before dinner, dinner, bedtime snack and perhaps another night cap. That shit adds up!!

3. You must purchase a couple small triangular pieces of fabric to cover up just the essentials so you don’t get arrested for indecent exposure, then choose your color you want, what shiny/stretchy material you’d like and what style of “cut” (who knew you could cut a triangle so many different ways) and now you’re ready to bedazzle the shit outta it. And finally, here’s your bill. Holy baby Jesus!! $500+ for just that little bit???? That’s going to be cutting into the aforementioned snack allowance) They’re not joking when they say you get diet brain and it can get foggy as hell up in here if a person is willing to spend that on a bikini they’ll probably only wear once!!!!

4. Next. We’ve all seen them and possibly mocked whoever was donning the aptly named, stripper shoes. They are made of some see thru, would outlast the sun’s life expectancy, plastic and are hell bent on making you break an ankle and make the balls of your feet burn like Satan’s anus the day after Mexican night. Now you must choose yet another style of these torture devices and practice waltzing around in your skivvies in them, with all the confidence in the world like you do this all the time. PS here’s another bill for you to pay for something you will wear one time (in public, ***MOM: skip to #5 now*** in private however, does it count if you’re wearing them but your feet are in the air?? *shit* Sorry Mom… let’s pretend you didn’t just read that even though, we both know you did).

5. Back to the (temporary) race altering procedure you must undergo a few times (depending on what shade of pale you are) you must either bring your own and attempt not to make it look like you got lynched with an oily rag or ask a friend/coach to sponge the shit out of you until you’re the color of a milk chocolate bar or a small Mexican child. Or you can go the route of making an appointment with a spray tanner and get probably 2-3 nice dustings of brown mystery substance everywhere all over your body.. Except your face, that shit will remain pasty and in my case, slightly freckled. Again, you’re shelling out some dough for this.. $75 ish I believe.

7. I keep getting lost where I am in my list (I need to learn to write out an outline.. ehhhh eff that, that’s for English class and I was never very good at that either) so for funsies sake, I’ve skipped number six and am making this a random rambling moment. Has everyone noticed the ridiculous number of flying insects this year???? We have an abundance of hornets, bees, horseflies, black flies and the like around here! Seems to be a good time to be a bird or bat.. Unless of course the influx of pests is due to an epidemic in the bird community, since birds and bats eat bugs and there’s an excess of bugs then maybe there’s less birds around to eat them, then maybe it’s not so cool to be a bird.. But I don’t know, I’m not an expert, I’m just hypothesizing here. The cost of this awesome point? $priceless!!! You’re welcome, seeeeee I don’t need to be a sponsored blog to do some Free Giveaways!

8. Hair and makeup is obviously a vital component when it comes to bikini competitions since it’s essentially a strong girls pageant. Now, everyday hair and makeup just won’t cut it under those incredibly harsh and white lights they use to illuminate the girls on stage. (One of the reasons why everyone gets a few coats of spray tan and looks like an Oompa Loompa in real life but up on stage just looks sunkissed… usually, have seen some botched colors happening). SO what you have to do is pay a trained professional to transform you and create a new and improved face.. on top of.. YOUR face. I think the only thing I’d consider doing myself is my hair since in general bikini girls just wear it loose and beachy or super smooth… I can’t really eff that up too bad.. unless I forget my straightener at home, in which case I’ll have to time warp back to the 80’s to fit in with my huge frizz fro.
(This one pretty much counts as 2 since hair and make up are not the same thing.. I’m trying to make my 10.. ish.. quota here!) Hair $100 & Makeup $100 were the quotes I got.

9. Other smaller but equally important points to get organized before you step on stage!!! (I just want to say this one point counts for like.. 3 so there! That’s 10.. I think?)
Jewellery. You need to get some BLING! To round out your suit choice. The usual would be a cuff or bracelets and earrings. Some girls get flowers for in their hair but I think that’s too much usually. Just some super sparkly accent pieces can make a huge difference. $50-$200
Nails! You’re going to want to at the very least get a nice mani and pedi before you go but most go with a gel or acrylic nail and a french manicure to really polish off the look. $70-$150
Bet ya didn’t see this one coming but unless you have breasts created by God himself that didn’t disappear at the first sign of famine or some tig ol’ fake biddies then you’re going to want to invest in some cutlets to help you in the cleavage/boobie/feminine body shape department. I for one will be shamelessly stuffing my bikini top. $ no idea, probably $40-$60?

I know there’s other equally important points that I’ve negated to touch on like posing and what’s good/bad/ugly, stage presence, your walk, etc. But I’ll touch on that when I get more info and experience with it. Baby steps for now.

If you do… and you have friends who you think would enjoy my blog (or enemies who you think would hate it and find it torturous and you have an affliction known as “schadenfreude” thank you Germans for that fun word!) please send them here and share the love!

Party like it’s Y2K again!

This last weekend Tim and I spent the whole weekend just doing each others Honey Do Lists. Tim cleaned up some old stairs outside that were rickety and a hazard to anyone who used them (not that anyone should/would as they led literally nowhere.. straight into the side of the house.. don’t ask), some left over mess from our contractor (this is a WHOLE ‘nother story, what a headache!!!!), washed the vehicles and took the kiddies outside for the day in the sprinkler and made them a super fast water slide on their play set.. to give you an idea of just how “fast” it was, Claire got like 2 full seconds of airtime off the bottom and flew like 4 feet off the bottom. Lol, normally I’d be against this since it’s kind of dangerous and if I tried it I’d hurt myself, and given that she was in nothing more than a diaper and was landing on the grass on her back BUT she’s a kid, they’re made of rubber, she squealed with delight and repeated this countless times. *Eventually he put a kiddie pool at the bottom so they landed in water and didn’t skid across the lawn on their butt/backs*
I unfortunately, was house bound and finally took the plunge and fixed our bathroom walls.. it was left as a disaster for over a year (YES, I’m a PROCRASTINATOR… shut up, don’t judge me) I could go in depth but that shit is boring so I’ll just say, we have successfully made the transition from condemned looking to moderately priced hotel bathroom.
The next day we ended up puttering around some more and I stumbled on 3 full garbage bags of old clothes from when we moved into this house 2 years ago… JACKPOT! I found some cute shirts, and had a trip down memory lane from all the ‘gems’ I found in there!! One of these lovely finds was some Silver jeans from Grade 8.. 13 years ago!!! I thought, hell I might still fit these bell bottom beauties.. so I squeeeeeezed and tugged and wiggled and hopped and…. VOILA!
Holy. Shit.
Hahahaha I’m finding it amusing that literally HALF my life ago I fit these things!!! I was 13 when I got these and they fit!! This brings up 2 possible scenarios in my head… 1. Either I was a 13 year old who resembled a hefer or 2. I’m superwoman and will forever have the body of a 13 year old!! Haha not sure which is better.. or worse.
Oh yes, the picture to prove my victory!

Well, this is probably one of my less entertaining posts BUT tough shit, ya win some and ya lose some. At least I was brief.

A parting thought for you all…

Ya’ll thought I’d quit… didn’t ya. HA! Nah…

I do have to admit that I wrote this post on my cell phone (we were in the boonies, sans computer or wifi or something on and off for the last few weeks) and so this is a touch out dated, but it’s part of my journey none the less so here ya be.

I have had a bit of a rough go this last month of training. Ups and downs when it came to sticking to my diet (birthday, anniversary, summer BBQ’ing); finding time to workout out when I’m being pulled in all different directions by my hubby, his job, our kids, family, my photography business, desire to sleep, etc. That being said there will ALWAYS be excuses, I mean there’s never going to be that PERFECT time to start a workout, diet or new lifestyle so what are we always waiting for? I know there is the old saying “there’s always tomorrow” but that’s not entirely true, the only guarantee in life is this very moment. (Well, that and death) so one could now insert another well known quote “carpe diem”. What I am getting at is there will always be pros and cons, for and againsts or positive and negative sides to each situation. What matters is the attitude with which you tackle everyday choices. I know that occasionally I struggle with keeping my goal in the forefront of my brain when I’m hungry and faced with things like ice cream, cakes of all varieties, A&W, CHEESE, pop, poutine, pizza, maple bacon anything… Ah yes. I have learned a few tricks over the years that work for me to help me keep it all in perspective but that’s a whole ‘nother blog.. *make note on my phone to blog about keeping my eye on the prize*
I guess where I was subconciously going with this post was that if you set a goal for yourself you had better make darn sure that you want it more than what you want right at this very second. I have seen a quote floating around the Twitter’sphere and on Instagram that goes something like this “Don’t give up what you REALLY want for what you want right now”. It’s true, you really need to WANT your goal as much as your body WANTS air when you’re suffocating.. a little extreme? Perhaps, but it’s a good mental picture and gets a person’s attention when distracted by mouthwatering foods or the snooze button.
I will leave you with just a short little list..
1. I promise to blog more frequently so you don’t need to re-read all my old posts to remember who the hell I am.
2. I just looked, HOLY SHIT BALLS! It says I already have 815 people subscribed to my blog… Feckin’ Eh!! 🙂 Thanks freennddzzz!
3. I’m trying to get my 4 year old to move into my basement bedroom so that I can reno and steal some space from his current bedroom to make our bathroom bigger… does this make me a bad parent?
4. I’m always looking for some new music for my playlist to distract me during cardio.. please share a favorite of yours? Or 5
5. I’m a closet TV junkie… perhaps a little less closet, a little more junkie. I have a goddamn app on my phone called TV Show Tracker.. I may or may not have already programed 4 of my fav shows for this fall… *note: this was 2 months ago already* **insert that little creepy all teeth emoticon that you can make on an iPhone**
6. Crispy Mini’s Dill Pickle flavour… goddamn!! Yum-O!

Ooootay.. bye for meow 🙂