A Picture’s Worth a Thousand Words… 1347 to be exact

There have been a few things that have remained as constants on my (secret) bucket list ever since I was a little girl.
1. I wanted to have my photo taken and be published in a magazine. What the magazine was called or what I was doing in the photo, were irrelevant.
2. I would have a bangin’ body and get to be all dolled up and dramatic like for a fashion show and walk a.. runway.. That was/is a second item.
You may be wondering where the heck I’m going with these vague (was/is)isms and be thinking, like, get to the point lady! But I think that this post necessitates some groundwork be laid before I jump to the good part.
I think I have an innate need to be told, reminded and told again that I’m good at something before I let myself believe that I am. (Guess this might fall under some other fancy term but I call it what it is… the need for acceptance). Surely, I’m not the only one here who has this. It doesn’t ring 100% true in every aspect of my life but in some, absolutely.
For example, beauty. It’s subjective and definitely a very broad term. Everyone has their own definition, and even that definition is not an absolute, it varies with each new subject and circumstance. But for the purposes of this blog post I am referring to my physical beauty (or maybe in some people’s opinions, my lack thereof? Whatev’s) As a little girl I always thought my best feature was my smile, then as I grew older it changed and I appreciated the color of my eyes, the size and shape of my ears, the fullness of my hair (har har, refer to my previous post to see the humor in this) and so on. It evolved and I ‘grew into’ myself. I now believe (given the right makeup and lighting lol) that I am beautiful (or at least made to seem that way.. haha)
Um.. ok I’m a bit lost.

*seriously just had to scroll up and see what the hell this blog started with so I knew where I was going with this long winded explanation*

So of the 2 aforementioned items on my magical bucket list I have, in my opinion and as of today, completed half of each one of those. The other halves, I’m working on and these first halves will help me accomplish the one half. What a mess this is to follow.. so on to the ‘good part’.
On October 11th I had the privilege of working with an immensely knowledgeable and talented photographer, Trevor Sowers. Check out his facebook page HERE! (The other link takes you to his website) Trevor if you’re reading this, my hat is off to you. I’m humbled by your work ethic and dedication to a session. Thank you for your hard work, time and effort that you put into my shoot!!!! I CANNOT wait to see the edited images, especially when I hardly even recognized that the girl on the 3″ screen was actually me from only moments before. ***Editing note: I didn’t even have time to complete this flippin’ blog post and already he was messaging me with my finished product!! Too bad, I was committed in writing this lol so here it is, you can see some of the photos on my fb page, BeneFIT with Claudia or wait til my next post, unless my ADD kicks in and you get a whole different entry***
So Trevor and I met only about a week ago and I gave him an idea of what I wanted in a session. We brainstormed about the location, I, about my outfits and he, about the lights and equipment to make it all come together and in the span of a short few days we had everything organized and in place.
First off I woke up unnecessarily early and my first thought was “I’m LATE! SHIT!” Alas it was 2am. Back to sleep.. kinda.. on and off I was up thinking I had slept in. At 8am Shay Daigneault came over and did my makeup for me and it was beautiful, with shimmery gold tones it brought out my eyes nicely.. plus, how can a girl go wrong with a great set of falsies?
I then raced out to Michalle’s house and dropped off my kiddies with hers and they didn’t even look back, surely that’s a good sign! I’m quite certain they got into all kinds of trouble (Davey was non stop talking about going down some backwards slide and e-brakes on pedal bikes….?????? haha, they’re both in one piece and Michalle has all her hair, it’s all good).
So, THANK YOU Michalle for taking them, you’re a lifesaver.. a pretty green lime flavoured lifesaver.. 🙂
Trevor and I we set to meet at the Houston Leisure Facility Gym, him early to enjoy his coffee, muffin and to check out exactly where to set up and I was late as usual (9:26am, whoops, sorry Trevor).
***Quick shout out to Houston Leisure Services – Gym and Staff Thank You for letting us invade the space for 3 hours today!!! It was a great location to do my shoot!!!***
So from about 9:30-12:30 I was selfishly sucking in the attention, flexing this, that, and my butt all over that set. “Smized” my ass off, Tyra would be proud. Every few shots Trevor would show me and check that the lighting was good, emphasizing the right muscles and hiding some flaws. I have to boast, as a virgin fitness model, (or model in general) I think I rocked that shoot. I’m not sure if this was Trevor’s first fitness shoot but if it was, I wouldn’t have known. He was so helpful and made me totally comfortable!!! Also, he swore. I like that shit. LOL Should be on an eCard “You swear. I like that shit”

So back to the halves I’ve now completed..
1.1 Be photographed: CHECK!
2.1 Obtain a bangin’ body: In progress but getting there! For the purposes of checking off my bucket list I’m going to say a definite pass, so CHECK!

As for 1.2 Be published in a magazine: I spent part of my thanksgiving weekend filling out a questionnaire and put my bio together with some of my favorite shots from this session and submitted them to Inside Fitness’ Hot and Fit 100 and Oxygen’s The Future of Fitness in the hopes of being published in either (OR BOTH) magazines!!
2.2 Walking a runway… well this item will be crossed off my bucket list on November 22nd at Gossip Nightclub in Vancouver. I got the amazing opportunity courtesy of the lovely Sheleah Curtin (if you remember she did my makeup at Mike & Katie’s wedding from a few posts ago) and she invited me to model her makeup in a RAW show!! Thank you Sheleah for this incredible opportunity, I cannot WAIT to be a part of this with you!!!
In case anyone is curious what RAW is/does here’s their FB description or you can just click the link to their fb page and see for yourself!
“RAW is an international organization that showcases emerging talent in art, fashion, music, film, photography, hair & makeup in over 70 cities worldwide.”

I don’t have a concrete bucket list but there’s a few more on there for sure: go skydiving, be a surrogate mother if someone near and dear to me needs one, to never stop exploring and travelling to places like Egypt, Venice, Greece, Paris, New York City, Fiji, etc.

Anyone else have good bucket list items they want to share?

So far I’ve thanked Shay, Michalle, Houston Leisure Facilities and staff, Trevor Sowers and Sheleah. I would also like to thank Tim for supporting me more and more as this competition process progresses, thank you for occasionally looking the other way as I’m elbow deep in fro-yo and for generally supporting all my absurd dreams and aspirations that pop into my square German head. Lastly, thank you Google for some weird photos that make me LOL.

Corgi

I too love peanut butter Mr Corgi but I lack the tongue length to be able to get the last bits out like that… I have to cheat and use a squeegee spatula thing.

Oay Lhauv Yaou Jenn-Aay… Marbles!

Sound it out!!!!
You just looked back at the title and quietly tried to sound that shit out, DIDN’T YOU! How do I know? Because every time I read this stupid title I do it!!! STILL!! And I’m the one who wrote it!
(for phoetically challenged people, I’m trying to do a pun on the line ‘I LOVE YOU JENNY’ from Tom Hanks’ movie, Forest Gump.. duh…) Nevermind, it’ll all make sense later.

As promised I am going to make each and everyone reading this today, feel better about themselves!
This post is pretty much synonymous with a FREE ticket to an exclusive “You’re Beautiful Seminar”.
As selfishly boastful as my last post was, this post will be equally as humbling and slightly shameful.

I should start by saying that of all the You Tube sensations that have come and gone, Jenna Marbles is one whom (yeeeeah I just used, whom, you’re welcome Mrs. Lerch from English class…) I reference almost daily and I can watch again and again and laugh my ass off to, each time. Drunk makeup tutorial anyone? BAH! She’s freakin’ genius. Love her!!! ***Jenna.. if you’re reading this…. ERMERGERD *there are no words, just silence.. and…. THE FACE from ‘How to avoid talking to people you don’t want to talk to’ I use this tactic on my husband in lieu of the ‘I have a headache’ line. It works. Thank. You.***
For those who don’t know her… check her out, but be sure to pound out a few crunches prior to watching videos or your hernia will act up from absurd amounts of laughter.
This post is getting ridiculous already. I get so off topic… well, maybe not THAT off topic… patience! I’ll get there…
But, I digress.
Watching her videos is GUARANTEED (or your money back) to make you laugh, and laughing is supposed to make people feel better, so there’s a little precursor to how I’m going to ‘give back’ today and make everyone feel good and much more beautiful’er than me.


I will just get it over with.
The faces you’re about to see are my Jenna Marbles’esque inspired faces.
Anyone’s who’s drank with me has probably already seen this face during one of my stories but I had it catalogued under “Shmexy face” not “Scare away an Axe Murdering Stalker” as would be much more appropriate..
Are ya ready….?
Not sure I am..
BALLS!
Aaaaaaaaaaand we’re off…
The Face
Yep.
No shit. No Lie. No photoshop. That’s my jew-fro. If I could ‘tag’ it, I would. This is what happens when I blow dry my hair.. it’s not pretty by any stretch of the imagination. My poor, poor hairdressers past, present and future have this MOP to deal with.
Hopeless situation.. right? I mean, look at all that goddamn HAIR!!! UGH.
This was a sad, obvious set up for a magical “BUT! Not all hope is lost” kind of turn of events in my blog (during editing I realize this might be called a convenient segway? Correct me if I’m wrong.. I’m curious now..)
I would like all jew-fro endowed people to please bow their heads and take a moment of silence to give thanks to the creator of a magical heat tool called… the flat (or straight) iron.
No, I’m not talking about those crappy steel drug store brands, that ain’t gonna do shit to this resilient German/African hair… (no, I’m not of African descent but if I had brown eyes and a solid spray tan my hair could definitely sway the opinion of an unsuspecting passerby.. ok, shit, off topic again.. too bad, I’m leaving this part in the blog)
I have gone through 3 – $200+ flat irons. Brand? I don’t remember. It’s black and gold. But worth it’s weight in gold to me, and probably to others with my ailment as well!
There is a bit of work involved but this MANE can be tamed..
How you ask?
***BIG shout out to the special lady who actually taught me the magic of a straight iron.. Leanne Friesen (nee Apperloo) without you, I may never have felt the amazeballs softness of my fingers through freshly straightened hair or gusts of window catching my temporarily luscious, shiny locks, making me feel like a supermodel.. you were a godsend.***
Doubtful as it may seem that ‘small community’ sized packrats’ nest can actually be minimized and softened up with the magic of freakish heat and some pressure… much like a diamond I just realized! Wow. The shit you figure out when you write it out!
Ok.
So THAT up there, can be turned into this…
Comp

AAAAAAAAAAAND… One more time….Hair comp
I don’t even know where to go with this from here..
Come to think of it I haven’t made a list in awhile…
A game my bestie Jaime and I play via text sometimes is the Random Game (quite a lame name, I’m not proud)… here are some ‘random’ things that come to my mind right now..
1. Cold side of the pillow on a warm summer evening (shit is a classic)
2. Moose knuckle in a pair of black jeans (barf)
3. Smelly dog farts (Family Guy reference)
4. Watermelon LipSmackers (watermelon? I don’t even like watermelon flavored anything really)
5. Yellow bellied sap sucker (Calvin & Hobbes reference)
6. Schadenfreude & black forest cake
7. “It’s not a jumbo-fucking-jet Tyrone!” “You said he was a get-away driver… what the fuck is he going to get away from?” (lines from the movie ‘Snatch’)
8. FACT: When I witness bullying it makes me so mad I want to cry.

That is all. For meow. PLEASE feel free (and slightly obligated) to leave me some of YOUR favorite random things in the comment section below!

10.. ish.. Important Contest Prep Planning Points

I never knew just how much actual preparation (and how many choices you are faced with) during contest prep! There’s all kinds of details that need working out, outside of doing your meal prep, sticking to your diet and doing your, oftentimes, crippling workouts.

For those of you who haven’t the foggiest on what it all entails.. Let me make a list for you, followed by many brackets, choices/explanations and random chatter)

1. You need to do the obvious, book your hotel (but be sure you are allowed to get your tan there as some competitions appoint an official tanner or hair and makeup team and only those people are allowed to apply the race altering tan at the host hotel) otherwise you must stay else where (or simply pretend you have a room there and do it in a bathroom stall at a random hotel…however, I’m seeing some minor difficulties if this route is taken)

2. Book your flights, especially for those of us who live in the boonies and have kids at home, this is a must as spending 2-4 extra days travelling and away from the kids becomes a pain in the ass and in the end the costs associated with travelling 12+ hours by car end up about the same as if you had just saved the time and flew with an airline. I mean, my co-pilot would need snacks, Timmy’s stops, pee breaks, beer stops, more pee breaks, first breakfast, second breakfast, lunch appy’s, lunch, snacks, more beer, pre eats before dinner, dinner, bedtime snack and perhaps another night cap. That shit adds up!!

3. You must purchase a couple small triangular pieces of fabric to cover up just the essentials so you don’t get arrested for indecent exposure, then choose your color you want, what shiny/stretchy material you’d like and what style of “cut” (who knew you could cut a triangle so many different ways) and now you’re ready to bedazzle the shit outta it. And finally, here’s your bill. Holy baby Jesus!! $500+ for just that little bit???? That’s going to be cutting into the aforementioned snack allowance) They’re not joking when they say you get diet brain and it can get foggy as hell up in here if a person is willing to spend that on a bikini they’ll probably only wear once!!!!

4. Next. We’ve all seen them and possibly mocked whoever was donning the aptly named, stripper shoes. They are made of some see thru, would outlast the sun’s life expectancy, plastic and are hell bent on making you break an ankle and make the balls of your feet burn like Satan’s anus the day after Mexican night. Now you must choose yet another style of these torture devices and practice waltzing around in your skivvies in them, with all the confidence in the world like you do this all the time. PS here’s another bill for you to pay for something you will wear one time (in public, ***MOM: skip to #5 now*** in private however, does it count if you’re wearing them but your feet are in the air?? *shit* Sorry Mom… let’s pretend you didn’t just read that even though, we both know you did).

5. Back to the (temporary) race altering procedure you must undergo a few times (depending on what shade of pale you are) you must either bring your own and attempt not to make it look like you got lynched with an oily rag or ask a friend/coach to sponge the shit out of you until you’re the color of a milk chocolate bar or a small Mexican child. Or you can go the route of making an appointment with a spray tanner and get probably 2-3 nice dustings of brown mystery substance everywhere all over your body.. Except your face, that shit will remain pasty and in my case, slightly freckled. Again, you’re shelling out some dough for this.. $75 ish I believe.

7. I keep getting lost where I am in my list (I need to learn to write out an outline.. ehhhh eff that, that’s for English class and I was never very good at that either) so for funsies sake, I’ve skipped number six and am making this a random rambling moment. Has everyone noticed the ridiculous number of flying insects this year???? We have an abundance of hornets, bees, horseflies, black flies and the like around here! Seems to be a good time to be a bird or bat.. Unless of course the influx of pests is due to an epidemic in the bird community, since birds and bats eat bugs and there’s an excess of bugs then maybe there’s less birds around to eat them, then maybe it’s not so cool to be a bird.. But I don’t know, I’m not an expert, I’m just hypothesizing here. The cost of this awesome point? $priceless!!! You’re welcome, seeeeee I don’t need to be a sponsored blog to do some Free Giveaways!

8. Hair and makeup is obviously a vital component when it comes to bikini competitions since it’s essentially a strong girls pageant. Now, everyday hair and makeup just won’t cut it under those incredibly harsh and white lights they use to illuminate the girls on stage. (One of the reasons why everyone gets a few coats of spray tan and looks like an Oompa Loompa in real life but up on stage just looks sunkissed… usually, have seen some botched colors happening). SO what you have to do is pay a trained professional to transform you and create a new and improved face.. on top of.. YOUR face. I think the only thing I’d consider doing myself is my hair since in general bikini girls just wear it loose and beachy or super smooth… I can’t really eff that up too bad.. unless I forget my straightener at home, in which case I’ll have to time warp back to the 80’s to fit in with my huge frizz fro.
(This one pretty much counts as 2 since hair and make up are not the same thing.. I’m trying to make my 10.. ish.. quota here!) Hair $100 & Makeup $100 were the quotes I got.

9. Other smaller but equally important points to get organized before you step on stage!!! (I just want to say this one point counts for like.. 3 so there! That’s 10.. I think?)
Jewellery. You need to get some BLING! To round out your suit choice. The usual would be a cuff or bracelets and earrings. Some girls get flowers for in their hair but I think that’s too much usually. Just some super sparkly accent pieces can make a huge difference. $50-$200
Nails! You’re going to want to at the very least get a nice mani and pedi before you go but most go with a gel or acrylic nail and a french manicure to really polish off the look. $70-$150
Bet ya didn’t see this one coming but unless you have breasts created by God himself that didn’t disappear at the first sign of famine or some tig ol’ fake biddies then you’re going to want to invest in some cutlets to help you in the cleavage/boobie/feminine body shape department. I for one will be shamelessly stuffing my bikini top. $ no idea, probably $40-$60?

I know there’s other equally important points that I’ve negated to touch on like posing and what’s good/bad/ugly, stage presence, your walk, etc. But I’ll touch on that when I get more info and experience with it. Baby steps for now.
chimp
If you do… and you have friends who you think would enjoy my blog (or enemies who you think would hate it and find it torturous and you have an affliction known as “schadenfreude” thank you Germans for that fun word!) please send them here and share the love!

Party like it’s Y2K again!

This last weekend Tim and I spent the whole weekend just doing each others Honey Do Lists. Tim cleaned up some old stairs outside that were rickety and a hazard to anyone who used them (not that anyone should/would as they led literally nowhere.. straight into the side of the house.. don’t ask), some left over mess from our contractor (this is a WHOLE ‘nother story, what a headache!!!!), washed the vehicles and took the kiddies outside for the day in the sprinkler and made them a super fast water slide on their play set.. to give you an idea of just how “fast” it was, Claire got like 2 full seconds of airtime off the bottom and flew like 4 feet off the bottom. Lol, normally I’d be against this since it’s kind of dangerous and if I tried it I’d hurt myself, and given that she was in nothing more than a diaper and was landing on the grass on her back BUT she’s a kid, they’re made of rubber, she squealed with delight and repeated this countless times. *Eventually he put a kiddie pool at the bottom so they landed in water and didn’t skid across the lawn on their butt/backs*
I unfortunately, was house bound and finally took the plunge and fixed our bathroom walls.. it was left as a disaster for over a year (YES, I’m a PROCRASTINATOR… shut up, don’t judge me) I could go in depth but that shit is boring so I’ll just say, we have successfully made the transition from condemned looking to moderately priced hotel bathroom.
The next day we ended up puttering around some more and I stumbled on 3 full garbage bags of old clothes from when we moved into this house 2 years ago… JACKPOT! I found some cute shirts, and had a trip down memory lane from all the ‘gems’ I found in there!! One of these lovely finds was some Silver jeans from Grade 8.. 13 years ago!!! I thought, hell I might still fit these bell bottom beauties.. so I squeeeeeezed and tugged and wiggled and hopped and…. VOILA!
Holy. Shit.
Hahahaha I’m finding it amusing that literally HALF my life ago I fit these things!!! I was 13 when I got these and they fit!! This brings up 2 possible scenarios in my head… 1. Either I was a 13 year old who resembled a hefer or 2. I’m superwoman and will forever have the body of a 13 year old!! Haha not sure which is better.. or worse.
Oh yes, the picture to prove my victory!
Old jeans from 2000
Well, this is probably one of my less entertaining posts BUT tough shit, ya win some and ya lose some. At least I was brief.

A parting thought for you all…
Spe-thal.

Ya’ll thought I’d quit… didn’t ya. HA! Nah…

I do have to admit that I wrote this post on my cell phone (we were in the boonies, sans computer or wifi or something on and off for the last few weeks) and so this is a touch out dated, but it’s part of my journey none the less so here ya be.

I have had a bit of a rough go this last month of training. Ups and downs when it came to sticking to my diet (birthday, anniversary, summer BBQ’ing); finding time to workout out when I’m being pulled in all different directions by my hubby, his job, our kids, family, my photography business, desire to sleep, etc. That being said there will ALWAYS be excuses, I mean there’s never going to be that PERFECT time to start a workout, diet or new lifestyle so what are we always waiting for? I know there is the old saying “there’s always tomorrow” but that’s not entirely true, the only guarantee in life is this very moment. (Well, that and death) so one could now insert another well known quote “carpe diem”. What I am getting at is there will always be pros and cons, for and againsts or positive and negative sides to each situation. What matters is the attitude with which you tackle everyday choices. I know that occasionally I struggle with keeping my goal in the forefront of my brain when I’m hungry and faced with things like ice cream, cakes of all varieties, A&W, CHEESE, pop, poutine, pizza, maple bacon anything… Ah yes. I have learned a few tricks over the years that work for me to help me keep it all in perspective but that’s a whole ‘nother blog.. *make note on my phone to blog about keeping my eye on the prize*
I guess where I was subconciously going with this post was that if you set a goal for yourself you had better make darn sure that you want it more than what you want right at this very second. I have seen a quote floating around the Twitter’sphere and on Instagram that goes something like this “Don’t give up what you REALLY want for what you want right now”. It’s true, you really need to WANT your goal as much as your body WANTS air when you’re suffocating.. a little extreme? Perhaps, but it’s a good mental picture and gets a person’s attention when distracted by mouthwatering foods or the snooze button.
I will leave you with just a short little list..
1. I promise to blog more frequently so you don’t need to re-read all my old posts to remember who the hell I am.
2. I just looked, HOLY SHIT BALLS! It says I already have 815 people subscribed to my blog… Feckin’ Eh!! 🙂 Thanks freennddzzz!
3. I’m trying to get my 4 year old to move into my basement bedroom so that I can reno and steal some space from his current bedroom to make our bathroom bigger… does this make me a bad parent?
4. I’m always looking for some new music for my playlist to distract me during cardio.. please share a favorite of yours? Or 5
5. I’m a closet TV junkie… perhaps a little less closet, a little more junkie. I have a goddamn app on my phone called TV Show Tracker.. I may or may not have already programed 4 of my fav shows for this fall… *note: this was 2 months ago already* **insert that little creepy all teeth emoticon that you can make on an iPhone**
6. Crispy Mini’s Dill Pickle flavour… goddamn!! Yum-O!

Ooootay.. bye for meow 🙂

Speaking of Lists & a Virgin…

I’m going to start out by making a couple of lists..

Things I am NOT: an essay connoisseur, quiet or reserved, Martha Stewart (no one will argue this if they’ve seen my house), overly patient, a virgin (in case my having 2 children with my big german head didn’t give it away)
photo(2)
Things I AM and DO: swear.. often (sorry Mom, I know you tried), enjoy getting up at 4-5am everyday to enjoy a quiet coffee before the chaos of having little kids ensues, Class 1 driver, have a small photography business with my sister in law, am constantly enrolled in some sort of distance education, dive into things headfirst with a lot of determination and this is where my post title actually comes into play, I’m a bikini competition virgin.

As I mentioned initially, I’m not much of an essay writer so for those of you following my blog you can expect at least 3 things:
1. more lists and giant run on paragraphs with minimal organization littered with some photos of whatever happens to catch my attention (note how this is already a list…)
2. an honest account of my experiences and some cursing (Sorry Caitlyn but as my coach odds are pretty good it’ll be directed at you… or Tim because he lives with me)
3. randomness – yellowbellied sapsucker anyone?

photo(1)

Guess I should actually mention something about where I’m at in terms of preparing for the Sandra Wickham Fall Classic (btw this is the name of the competition I’m in the process of registering for, gawd I’m a terrible writer, sorry everyone). I’ve recently been in touch with Caitlyn Bellamy (of Revolutionary Fitness & Nutrition Consulting, she’s on FB, so check her out!) who I’ve chosen to be my coach and mentor throughout this process (HA! Lucky you Caitlyn) and she is putting together a plan for me. Until I get my training & nutrition plans I’m just doing my own thing in preparation for the Spartan Sprint in Edmonton on June 29th.
The Spartan is one of my 2013 goals; I started out this year with a couple goals in mind and as I achieve them and continued on my path with health and fitness as a priority, I just find myself adding to the list!! (yes, I’m aware I am the queen of lists).
I’ll do a post in the future about how 2013 started off for me, what my goals were and what they are now… it’s only June, plenty of time to add to my list!!!

What are some of your goals for 2013???