I never knew just how much actual preparation (and how many choices you are faced with) during contest prep! There’s all kinds of details that need working out, outside of doing your meal prep, sticking to your diet and doing your, oftentimes, crippling workouts.
For those of you who haven’t the foggiest on what it all entails.. Let me make a list for you, followed by many brackets, choices/explanations and random chatter)
1. You need to do the obvious, book your hotel (but be sure you are allowed to get your tan there as some competitions appoint an official tanner or hair and makeup team and only those people are allowed to apply the race altering tan at the host hotel) otherwise you must stay else where (or simply pretend you have a room there and do it in a bathroom stall at a random hotel…however, I’m seeing some minor difficulties if this route is taken)
2. Book your flights, especially for those of us who live in the boonies and have kids at home, this is a must as spending 2-4 extra days travelling and away from the kids becomes a pain in the ass and in the end the costs associated with travelling 12+ hours by car end up about the same as if you had just saved the time and flew with an airline. I mean, my co-pilot would need snacks, Timmy’s stops, pee breaks, beer stops, more pee breaks, first breakfast, second breakfast, lunch appy’s, lunch, snacks, more beer, pre eats before dinner, dinner, bedtime snack and perhaps another night cap. That shit adds up!!
3. You must purchase a couple small triangular pieces of fabric to cover up just the essentials so you don’t get arrested for indecent exposure, then choose your color you want, what shiny/stretchy material you’d like and what style of “cut” (who knew you could cut a triangle so many different ways) and now you’re ready to bedazzle the shit outta it. And finally, here’s your bill. Holy baby Jesus!! $500+ for just that little bit???? That’s going to be cutting into the aforementioned snack allowance) They’re not joking when they say you get diet brain and it can get foggy as hell up in here if a person is willing to spend that on a bikini they’ll probably only wear once!!!!
4. Next. We’ve all seen them and possibly mocked whoever was donning the aptly named, stripper shoes. They are made of some see thru, would outlast the sun’s life expectancy, plastic and are hell bent on making you break an ankle and make the balls of your feet burn like Satan’s anus the day after Mexican night. Now you must choose yet another style of these torture devices and practice waltzing around in your skivvies in them, with all the confidence in the world like you do this all the time. PS here’s another bill for you to pay for something you will wear one time (in public, ***MOM: skip to #5 now*** in private however, does it count if you’re wearing them but your feet are in the air?? *shit* Sorry Mom… let’s pretend you didn’t just read that even though, we both know you did).
5. Back to the (temporary) race altering procedure you must undergo a few times (depending on what shade of pale you are) you must either bring your own and attempt not to make it look like you got lynched with an oily rag or ask a friend/coach to sponge the shit out of you until you’re the color of a milk chocolate bar or a small Mexican child. Or you can go the route of making an appointment with a spray tanner and get probably 2-3 nice dustings of brown mystery substance everywhere all over your body.. Except your face, that shit will remain pasty and in my case, slightly freckled. Again, you’re shelling out some dough for this.. $75 ish I believe.
7. I keep getting lost where I am in my list (I need to learn to write out an outline.. ehhhh eff that, that’s for English class and I was never very good at that either) so for funsies sake, I’ve skipped number six and am making this a random rambling moment. Has everyone noticed the ridiculous number of flying insects this year???? We have an abundance of hornets, bees, horseflies, black flies and the like around here! Seems to be a good time to be a bird or bat.. Unless of course the influx of pests is due to an epidemic in the bird community, since birds and bats eat bugs and there’s an excess of bugs then maybe there’s less birds around to eat them, then maybe it’s not so cool to be a bird.. But I don’t know, I’m not an expert, I’m just hypothesizing here. The cost of this awesome point? $priceless!!! You’re welcome, seeeeee I don’t need to be a sponsored blog to do some Free Giveaways!
8. Hair and makeup is obviously a vital component when it comes to bikini competitions since it’s essentially a strong girls pageant. Now, everyday hair and makeup just won’t cut it under those incredibly harsh and white lights they use to illuminate the girls on stage. (One of the reasons why everyone gets a few coats of spray tan and looks like an Oompa Loompa in real life but up on stage just looks sunkissed… usually, have seen some botched colors happening). SO what you have to do is pay a trained professional to transform you and create a new and improved face.. on top of.. YOUR face. I think the only thing I’d consider doing myself is my hair since in general bikini girls just wear it loose and beachy or super smooth… I can’t really eff that up too bad.. unless I forget my straightener at home, in which case I’ll have to time warp back to the 80’s to fit in with my huge frizz fro.
(This one pretty much counts as 2 since hair and make up are not the same thing.. I’m trying to make my 10.. ish.. quota here!) Hair $100 & Makeup $100 were the quotes I got.
9. Other smaller but equally important points to get organized before you step on stage!!! (I just want to say this one point counts for like.. 3 so there! That’s 10.. I think?)
Jewellery. You need to get some BLING! To round out your suit choice. The usual would be a cuff or bracelets and earrings. Some girls get flowers for in their hair but I think that’s too much usually. Just some super sparkly accent pieces can make a huge difference. $50-$200
Nails! You’re going to want to at the very least get a nice mani and pedi before you go but most go with a gel or acrylic nail and a french manicure to really polish off the look. $70-$150
Bet ya didn’t see this one coming but unless you have breasts created by God himself that didn’t disappear at the first sign of famine or some tig ol’ fake biddies then you’re going to want to invest in some cutlets to help you in the cleavage/boobie/feminine body shape department. I for one will be shamelessly stuffing my bikini top. $ no idea, probably $40-$60?
I know there’s other equally important points that I’ve negated to touch on like posing and what’s good/bad/ugly, stage presence, your walk, etc. But I’ll touch on that when I get more info and experience with it. Baby steps for now.
If you do… and you have friends who you think would enjoy my blog (or enemies who you think would hate it and find it torturous and you have an affliction known as “schadenfreude” thank you Germans for that fun word!) please send them here and share the love!
Journey from my Couch to the Bikini Competition Stage 