40 Days and 39 Nights of Abstinence!

Nooo not quite a movie title but it IS, only 40 days n 39 nights until I am on stage in my… itsy bitsy teenie weenie purple spark-ly bikini! Yep yep people, it’s less than a movie title away now! I am not gonna lie, maintaining motivation is not the easiest thing in the world right now because I JUST WANNA GO! I wanna be there… buuuut I’m one to rush things, so I’m trying to cool my jets and enjoy the ride.
A few posts ago I asked if anyone wanted to see my progress photos and such. That was your warning. This post is going to be all about progress and then some photos of my first few posing practice shots in my new bikini and heels!!! So here’s your last chance to redirect your browser to something more amusing like grumpy cat or ecards or.. facebook.. whatever…
***I really don’t want to post these for the sake of maintaining some sort of mystery with those who I read this and who I see around town… BUUUUUT if I had had to endured endlessly ranting and rambling posts for a few months like you all have, I’d want some dirt on the bag who made me suffer.. so here you all go.. without further adieu.. my 3 month progress photos***
Back Comp wtext  Side Comp wtext
Front Comp wtext

Both the before and after are taken at the same time of day, in the same exact spot with the same swimsuit, from the same location & angle and I’m standing relaxed and soft in both.
Now, some may argue that I could be “cheating” these photos, like by wearing heels in the Sept photos but ask yourself this: 1. if I have NO financial (or any other type) of gain from this, what would be the point? 2. would I REALLY post that unflattering, unmakeup’d, bedhead hair, and to be quite frank, AWFUL before? 3. bear in mind who had to take these photos and with what… my 4 year old… with a cell phone.. yeah, no trick photography happening there.
Unless of course you’re on the other side of the fence thinking “That’s IT?!?!?” To which I might respond, “I SAY, GOOD DAY!” (I hope at least one of you gets that, That 70’s Show reference).
I do need to add that I have NEVER been 100% ‘on plan’ for more than 8 consecutive days (that was recently). I have endured some serious struggles, mentally, some physical and many many MANY with food and otherwise food related temptations. Who knows where I could’ve been had I been a perfect pupil! BUT that’s just not life, and that’s DEFINITELY not me. I am an imperfect, stubborn, rebellious, hormonal creature with a husband, 2 children, a home to maintain and about a zillion other factors. We all have our challenges but I’m super proud to say I have exceeded my own expectations and even as I wrote my very first blog entry, I was mentally contemplating my exit plan for this whole competition thing. It was a subconscious, public image preservation strategy. I expected to get injured (which happened, but I kept going… it may very well still happen but I will adapt), a family emergency to give me an out, I’d even go so far as to say I expected Armageddon to happen before I could admit that I believed in myself enough to see this thing through! Now, less than 6 weeks out, my mind is actually allowing me to believe that not only will I make it to the stage but I think I’m going to do a-ok, not necessarily because I’ll win, or place or even make 2nd call outs but because I’ve been working my ass off everyday, successfully overcoming struggles more frequently and actually seeing self improvement in so many areas of my life, besides the physical. Big shout out THANK YOU to my coach and trainer Caitlyn Bellamy, without the fear of YOU and our stinkin’ biweekly check ins I definitely would’ve strayed from my path.

As was the going fashion in my first few posts (until I became comfortable and openly sarcastic) I think an inspirational quote is in order…

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
Eleanor Roosevelt, You Learn by Living: Eleven Keys for a More Fulfilling Life

I almost forgot!! Good for you for reading past the quote, yay! Means I’ve got some good followers.. and for that I reward you with some awkwardly posed photos of me in my show suit!!! Yaaaaaaaaaay….

posing wtext

CBBF Nationals thru the eyes of a spectator

A couple weekends ago I had the privilege of joining Blue Star Nutraceuticals sponsored National level bikini competitor Shayleen Clausen, aptly nicknamed ‘Tink’, at the CBBF (Canadian Bodybuilding Federation) Nationals.
She's READY!
Shay competed in the Bikini A (short people) division and made Top 5!!!!
This was what Shay sent me Friday AM. Ummm YEAH! She’s ready!

NOTE: As my kids are getting older (not me, I’m ageless) I’m realizing the importance of photographing key points during your day/week/year. This enables you to do 2 things 1. share your experiences with those who weren’t there and 2. remind you what you’ve been spending your days (and eventually LIFE) doing. Don’t laugh!!! Sometimes Tim comes home and asks, “So, what’d you guys do today?” and I’m just stunned like “Oh shit. You’re home already? Where’d the hours go??? What the hell HAVE we done today??? That kids are alive… I guess I did that…?”
I could ramble for a couple paragraphs about how forgetful I am and that my memory often resembles more of a sieve than a 2 hemisphere memory bank.

So, without further ado, here’s some photos from my whirlwind trip to Vancouver.
En route!
Tim and I are OFF!! On route to Smithers airport with Storm in the back (he’s off to try and make baby Storms with a bitch named Spice lol)
Pack like a princessBored in the Airport
Waiting at the airport… this is only MY luggage. Yeah.. if you know me, you know I over pack for UUUURVRYTHANG! There’s enough clothes here to do 2 weeks in Mexico. I was in Van for 48 hours. Tim on the other hand? He packed a small duffle bag, the size of a gym bag.
While we waited I got a chance to paint my nails with my fun new pastel pink nail polish! (The week we got back, I’m gone to an appointment for an hour and Tim is watching the kids. Claire got ahold of said new polish and proceeds to get it in her hair and then her eye at which point she is blinded by the chemical concoction and flails!!! There was beautiful nail polish all over my black leather couch, Claire, Claire’s hair, Tim and his clothes, one of my favorite dish towels and the floor… so much for the post massage zen I was looking for!)

But back to our trip….
Sleepy hubby
Lazy bones had to have a nappy poo on the way down. I was too excited to sleep!! I got to know Shay through our mutual coach, Caitlyn Bellamy and following each other on My Fitness Pal. We hadn’t met in person, so the thought that we’d be sharing a room for a couple nights after only having known each other in person for a couple hours was 1 part exciting 1 part nervous with a chance of amusing. What ended up happening is me walking into this…
BOMB
I made it to our room while Shay was at the Athlete’s Meeting. This was the view. HOLY SHIT haha did a bomb go off in here??? Turns out, the head judge really cracked down on the bikini bottom coverage rule and there were a lot of competitors scrambling to get a suit that would be approved! Poor Shay was one of them, but in the end she settled on her hot pink suit she wore at Western Canadians in Kelowna where she took 2nd place. Regardless, I was there, waiting for her… and as I sat there looking around, wondering if we’d get along and hoping I didn’t get a bout of the nervous shits (no one wants to hear that through a paper machè thick wall no matter HOW well you know each other) I realized I felt a little bit like a prostitute. I mean, in what other situation would you go get a key from the front desk and wait in a hotel room for someone..? Thank god she turned out to be cool shit (and not an axe murderer)…. and for those wondering, my tummy remained calm too.
I glanced around and.. JACKPOT!
Treat area
A not so hidden snack stash for post show treats!
This wasn’t nearly enough so we shopped the next day and added a bunch more to the pile. For example….
Quest PB Cups
Holy crap. HEALHTY Reese style peanut butter cups!!!! I refrained from eating mine but when we hit Popeye’s across the street and discovered these between the prejudging and the evening show I could see this was going to be going down Shay’s hatch when we got home that night lol she was like a kid in a candy store seeing the wide variety of Quest bars in stock.
Back to friday night, Shay and the rest of the Fort St John crew showed up and it was time to get her last coats of spray tan. So we went over to a different room and I do have to say, I had a first. Never before that evening had I ever met someone for the first time and within 15 minutes they were buck ass naked, “smiling” with their ass right in front of me. *Before that day I had no idea what the spray tan lady would’ve wanted from me when I was getting sprayed and she told me to SMILE and I wasn’t even facing her. I am thankful that I’m now armed with that crucial piece of knowledge and won’t be the dumbass standing naked, facing away and grinning like a tool when it’s my turn in November*
I met 2 other girls this same way that night. It was a parade of strong, tanned, stiff limbed, naked chicks coming and going out of a hunting blind. This is all sounding somewhat fictional as I write it..
Once Shay was dry enough we headed back to the room and just lounged around and in an effort not to smudge, smear or tan inanimate objects Shay bundled up and slept at the foot of the bed in her, from home, fitted sheet.. it was mildly awkward since I slept the same direction but beside the pillows and covering the left half of my body with blankets since Shay was passed out on top of the covers.
SO tired but tanned!
Saturday Show Day Morning!!
Shay threw on her suit and sent a couple pics to Caitlyn. Here she is texting.. I have like 10 photos of her on one of her 2 phones (or even both sometimes).

Early Mornin Convo with Caitlyn
She’s a busy lady with her personal cell and her business phone, which she had to answer during her makeup session with Beauty N Bronze. When we walked in I immediately sat down and started cuddling the ADORABLE french bulldog, Bruno (I think his name was) who belonged to the blonde lady who owns Beauty N Bronze. (You can see her below). He soon got bored with me and hid under a table. Boo. Apparently I’m a bad dog pet’er.

Beauty n Bronze MakeupFrenchie
Here’s Shay leaving the Best Western in Coquitlam where she got her new face on.

All done makeupMakeup close up
From here we headed to the Massey Theater and they had sponsors advertisements and promotions on a big screen behind the competitors. I saw this and had to get a shot of it, it’ll be my FIRST show!!! 🙂

Billboard
On the way to the evening show I tried to take a selfie in the back of the cab but the little man behind the wheel was practicing for his inevitable Nascar debut.. so I’m swaying and looking mildly stoned.

photo(8)
After this is where it all gets a little … blurry..
NOT. It was totally tame. We hit up the Catcus Club post show for Shay’s cheat meal…s… to quote William Shakespeare from A Midsummer Night’s Dream “Though she be but little, she is fierce!” The girl can pack away some grub! She started off the evening with 2 pornstar martinis, followed by chicken and cheese quesadillas with sweet potato fries and chipotle dip, interrupted only by another pornstar maritini, followed by a key lime pie and washed down with a final pornstar martini. Why do I know EXACTLY what someone else ate, 2 weeks ago? Because I was drooling over it the whole time!!!!!! I can’t really complain, my Szechuan Chicken Lettuce wraps were quite divine.
This is my hawt selfie the next morning in my lazy Pink hoodie… yeah.. I know…. I didn’t even brush my hair.. WHAT! Not only was it late to bed (2:30am) but we got up at 6AM AGAIN… and anyways, it’d have ruined the lazy bedhead look I was OBVI going for. Pfffff..
Plus my super incognito hood allowed me to creeper stalk Shay’s photoshoot with the hilarious Mark Bradfield who shoots for Training & Fitness. I am not going to lie. I am a huge fan for 3 reasons. Numero Uno (is a number capitalized in Spanish? Whatever, in Claudia Spanish it is) He is hilarious and somewhat of a metrosexual (please don’t take offense Mark, if on the off chance you ever Google yourself and find this…) and in northern BC and the small town of Houston, those are a rare breed so I quite enjoyed getting to spend a couple hours with him. Numero Deuce short, sweet and to the point.. he takes amazing photos!!!! Numero Trés he told me I looked like Olivia Wilde.. ummm HELLOOOOOO she’s a total girl crush of mine!!! (I just proofread this and this last sentence in this context sounds SO vain.. but it stays damn it. She is amazing! And for the record, I don’t think I look like her.. unless you can literally WANT something into happening… in which case, YAY! It’s working!) BUT in case you live even further north than me and don’t have access to the web and don’t know what this beautiful creature looks like.. I give you… the luminous Olivia Wilde. However, if you’re able to see this blog that is online.. then clearly you have internet. This is not a well thought out situation… Carrying on..

Too little sleep too early Mark Bradfield shoot

Mark Bradfield shoot Shay Lounging
Getting the right angle for the shot, CHECK. Getting a random girl to hold your $16,000 camera, CHECK (that was me by the way hehe). Getting your shorts a little wet during a shoot? UNACCEPTABLE! Haha nice pastey white thighs Mr Bradfield (if you’re still reading..)

Mark Bradfield
After a whirlwind of a weekend we both realized we didn’t even get a picture together!! So a low quality selfie on the skytrain back to YVR it is!!! There’s a lot of different skin and hair colors going on here!!! Perhaps another visit will lend itself to a little more foresight and a better pic together.

Shay and I

Well folks, that’s about it! Once we hit the airport we power walked to White Spot to grab some eats and meet up with Tim (my hubby) and his friend Jamie who were 2 sad hungover dogs (they were at a stag the night before). So I ate Tim’s lunch that he couldn’t stomach and had to ditch Shay to eat her food solo because true to form we were late and gonna miss our flight if we didn’t snap our sacks. What! Not only do I come from a family who is perpetually late but I married an indian and everyone knows they run on Indian Time. It’s a real thing. Look it up. Fine. I’ll link to a definition (ish.. kinda made up but could be real!) Here ya go!

10.. ish.. Important Contest Prep Planning Points

I never knew just how much actual preparation (and how many choices you are faced with) during contest prep! There’s all kinds of details that need working out, outside of doing your meal prep, sticking to your diet and doing your, oftentimes, crippling workouts.

For those of you who haven’t the foggiest on what it all entails.. Let me make a list for you, followed by many brackets, choices/explanations and random chatter)

1. You need to do the obvious, book your hotel (but be sure you are allowed to get your tan there as some competitions appoint an official tanner or hair and makeup team and only those people are allowed to apply the race altering tan at the host hotel) otherwise you must stay else where (or simply pretend you have a room there and do it in a bathroom stall at a random hotel…however, I’m seeing some minor difficulties if this route is taken)

2. Book your flights, especially for those of us who live in the boonies and have kids at home, this is a must as spending 2-4 extra days travelling and away from the kids becomes a pain in the ass and in the end the costs associated with travelling 12+ hours by car end up about the same as if you had just saved the time and flew with an airline. I mean, my co-pilot would need snacks, Timmy’s stops, pee breaks, beer stops, more pee breaks, first breakfast, second breakfast, lunch appy’s, lunch, snacks, more beer, pre eats before dinner, dinner, bedtime snack and perhaps another night cap. That shit adds up!!

3. You must purchase a couple small triangular pieces of fabric to cover up just the essentials so you don’t get arrested for indecent exposure, then choose your color you want, what shiny/stretchy material you’d like and what style of “cut” (who knew you could cut a triangle so many different ways) and now you’re ready to bedazzle the shit outta it. And finally, here’s your bill. Holy baby Jesus!! $500+ for just that little bit???? That’s going to be cutting into the aforementioned snack allowance) They’re not joking when they say you get diet brain and it can get foggy as hell up in here if a person is willing to spend that on a bikini they’ll probably only wear once!!!!

4. Next. We’ve all seen them and possibly mocked whoever was donning the aptly named, stripper shoes. They are made of some see thru, would outlast the sun’s life expectancy, plastic and are hell bent on making you break an ankle and make the balls of your feet burn like Satan’s anus the day after Mexican night. Now you must choose yet another style of these torture devices and practice waltzing around in your skivvies in them, with all the confidence in the world like you do this all the time. PS here’s another bill for you to pay for something you will wear one time (in public, ***MOM: skip to #5 now*** in private however, does it count if you’re wearing them but your feet are in the air?? *shit* Sorry Mom… let’s pretend you didn’t just read that even though, we both know you did).

5. Back to the (temporary) race altering procedure you must undergo a few times (depending on what shade of pale you are) you must either bring your own and attempt not to make it look like you got lynched with an oily rag or ask a friend/coach to sponge the shit out of you until you’re the color of a milk chocolate bar or a small Mexican child. Or you can go the route of making an appointment with a spray tanner and get probably 2-3 nice dustings of brown mystery substance everywhere all over your body.. Except your face, that shit will remain pasty and in my case, slightly freckled. Again, you’re shelling out some dough for this.. $75 ish I believe.

7. I keep getting lost where I am in my list (I need to learn to write out an outline.. ehhhh eff that, that’s for English class and I was never very good at that either) so for funsies sake, I’ve skipped number six and am making this a random rambling moment. Has everyone noticed the ridiculous number of flying insects this year???? We have an abundance of hornets, bees, horseflies, black flies and the like around here! Seems to be a good time to be a bird or bat.. Unless of course the influx of pests is due to an epidemic in the bird community, since birds and bats eat bugs and there’s an excess of bugs then maybe there’s less birds around to eat them, then maybe it’s not so cool to be a bird.. But I don’t know, I’m not an expert, I’m just hypothesizing here. The cost of this awesome point? $priceless!!! You’re welcome, seeeeee I don’t need to be a sponsored blog to do some Free Giveaways!

8. Hair and makeup is obviously a vital component when it comes to bikini competitions since it’s essentially a strong girls pageant. Now, everyday hair and makeup just won’t cut it under those incredibly harsh and white lights they use to illuminate the girls on stage. (One of the reasons why everyone gets a few coats of spray tan and looks like an Oompa Loompa in real life but up on stage just looks sunkissed… usually, have seen some botched colors happening). SO what you have to do is pay a trained professional to transform you and create a new and improved face.. on top of.. YOUR face. I think the only thing I’d consider doing myself is my hair since in general bikini girls just wear it loose and beachy or super smooth… I can’t really eff that up too bad.. unless I forget my straightener at home, in which case I’ll have to time warp back to the 80’s to fit in with my huge frizz fro.
(This one pretty much counts as 2 since hair and make up are not the same thing.. I’m trying to make my 10.. ish.. quota here!) Hair $100 & Makeup $100 were the quotes I got.

9. Other smaller but equally important points to get organized before you step on stage!!! (I just want to say this one point counts for like.. 3 so there! That’s 10.. I think?)
Jewellery. You need to get some BLING! To round out your suit choice. The usual would be a cuff or bracelets and earrings. Some girls get flowers for in their hair but I think that’s too much usually. Just some super sparkly accent pieces can make a huge difference. $50-$200
Nails! You’re going to want to at the very least get a nice mani and pedi before you go but most go with a gel or acrylic nail and a french manicure to really polish off the look. $70-$150
Bet ya didn’t see this one coming but unless you have breasts created by God himself that didn’t disappear at the first sign of famine or some tig ol’ fake biddies then you’re going to want to invest in some cutlets to help you in the cleavage/boobie/feminine body shape department. I for one will be shamelessly stuffing my bikini top. $ no idea, probably $40-$60?

I know there’s other equally important points that I’ve negated to touch on like posing and what’s good/bad/ugly, stage presence, your walk, etc. But I’ll touch on that when I get more info and experience with it. Baby steps for now.
chimp
If you do… and you have friends who you think would enjoy my blog (or enemies who you think would hate it and find it torturous and you have an affliction known as “schadenfreude” thank you Germans for that fun word!) please send them here and share the love!