Sound it out!!!!
You just looked back at the title and quietly tried to sound that shit out, DIDN’T YOU! How do I know? Because every time I read this stupid title I do it!!! STILL!! And I’m the one who wrote it!
(for phoetically challenged people, I’m trying to do a pun on the line ‘I LOVE YOU JENNY’ from Tom Hanks’ movie, Forest Gump.. duh…) Nevermind, it’ll all make sense later.
As promised I am going to make each and everyone reading this today, feel better about themselves!
This post is pretty much synonymous with a FREE ticket to an exclusive “You’re Beautiful Seminar”.
As selfishly boastful as my last post was, this post will be equally as humbling and slightly shameful.
I should start by saying that of all the You Tube sensations that have come and gone, Jenna Marbles is one whom (yeeeeah I just used, whom, you’re welcome Mrs. Lerch from English class…) I reference almost daily and I can watch again and again and laugh my ass off to, each time. Drunk makeup tutorial anyone? BAH! She’s freakin’ genius. Love her!!! ***Jenna.. if you’re reading this…. ERMERGERD *there are no words, just silence.. and…. THE FACE from ‘How to avoid talking to people you don’t want to talk to’ I use this tactic on my husband in lieu of the ‘I have a headache’ line. It works. Thank. You.***
For those who don’t know her… check her out, but be sure to pound out a few crunches prior to watching videos or your hernia will act up from absurd amounts of laughter.
This post is getting ridiculous already. I get so off topic… well, maybe not THAT off topic… patience! I’ll get there…
But, I digress.
Watching her videos is GUARANTEED (or your money back) to make you laugh, and laughing is supposed to make people feel better, so there’s a little precursor to how I’m going to ‘give back’ today and make everyone feel good and much more beautiful’er than me.
I will just get it over with.
The faces you’re about to see are my Jenna Marbles’esque inspired faces.
Anyone’s who’s drank with me has probably already seen this face during one of my stories but I had it catalogued under “Shmexy face” not “Scare away an Axe Murdering Stalker” as would be much more appropriate..
Are ya ready….?
Not sure I am..
Aaaaaaaaaaand we’re off…
No shit. No Lie. No photoshop. That’s my jew-fro. If I could ‘tag’ it, I would. This is what happens when I blow dry my hair.. it’s not pretty by any stretch of the imagination. My poor, poor hairdressers past, present and future have this MOP to deal with.
Hopeless situation.. right? I mean, look at all that goddamn HAIR!!! UGH.
This was a sad, obvious set up for a magical “BUT! Not all hope is lost” kind of turn of events in my blog (during editing I realize this might be called a convenient segway? Correct me if I’m wrong.. I’m curious now..)
I would like all jew-fro endowed people to please bow their heads and take a moment of silence to give thanks to the creator of a magical heat tool called… the flat (or straight) iron.
No, I’m not talking about those crappy steel drug store brands, that ain’t gonna do shit to this resilient German/African hair… (no, I’m not of African descent but if I had brown eyes and a solid spray tan my hair could definitely sway the opinion of an unsuspecting passerby.. ok, shit, off topic again.. too bad, I’m leaving this part in the blog)
I have gone through 3 – $200+ flat irons. Brand? I don’t remember. It’s black and gold. But worth it’s weight in gold to me, and probably to others with my ailment as well!
There is a bit of work involved but this MANE can be tamed..
How you ask?
***BIG shout out to the special lady who actually taught me the magic of a straight iron.. Leanne Friesen (nee Apperloo) without you, I may never have felt the amazeballs softness of my fingers through freshly straightened hair or gusts of window catching my temporarily luscious, shiny locks, making me feel like a supermodel.. you were a godsend.***
Doubtful as it may seem that ‘small community’ sized packrats’ nest can actually be minimized and softened up with the magic of freakish heat and some pressure… much like a diamond I just realized! Wow. The shit you figure out when you write it out!
So THAT up there, can be turned into this…
AAAAAAAAAAAND… One more time….
I don’t even know where to go with this from here..
Come to think of it I haven’t made a list in awhile…
A game my bestie Jaime and I play via text sometimes is the Random Game (quite a lame name, I’m not proud)… here are some ‘random’ things that come to my mind right now..
1. Cold side of the pillow on a warm summer evening (shit is a classic)
2. Moose knuckle in a pair of black jeans (barf)
3. Smelly dog farts (Family Guy reference)
4. Watermelon LipSmackers (watermelon? I don’t even like watermelon flavored anything really)
5. Yellow bellied sap sucker (Calvin & Hobbes reference)
6. Schadenfreude & black forest cake
7. “It’s not a jumbo-fucking-jet Tyrone!” “You said he was a get-away driver… what the fuck is he going to get away from?” (lines from the movie ‘Snatch’)
8. FACT: When I witness bullying it makes me so mad I want to cry.
That is all. For meow. PLEASE feel free (and slightly obligated) to leave me some of YOUR favorite random things in the comment section below!